Letting Go...

Hmmm. I'm not sure I can write this one.

Early February my lead doe gave birth to two little kids. And Bethany instantly fell in love with the female. She was half Boer so qualified for a market meat goat competition. Bethany decided that "Carmel" would be her project. I tried to talk her out of it because Carmel was little and females do not grow as fast as wethers. Nothin' doin'. Every day for the next six months Bethany would head outside to feed and brush and play with Carmel.

It is surprising how things grow with love and a little grain. I wish Bethany would have decided to care for the two orphans I have out there struggling to survive under my care.... I am keeping them for breeders because they are full Boer but they could sure use some of Bethany's TLC. Carmel grew and grew and soon passed all the other market wethers we had out in the pasture. Bethany was the perfect mother, putting everything she had into her goat.

A few weeks back Bethany was peeling potatoes and I was fixing dinner when she asked "Momma, are you going to buy back the goats if they go resale after the auction?"

Yes, I was because I can always buy them cheaper on the floor price and then make a little money on them by selling them privately. It's a business move and nothing more but I was afraid she would ask to keep Carmel so I answered with a question of my own...

"Why?"

"Ah, I was just thinking she's a female and it would be a shame to have someone eat her. Would you try to find her a good home first?"

Whew! Find her a good home? Yes, I could do that. I had several people waiting for breeders or weed eater... yes, I could find her a good home. I just didn't want to have to winter an extra goat. It was a pretty good bet that Carmel would go resale....goats always went resale....Bethany was happy.

Fast forward a few weeks and she is now sitting in the auction ring.... a butcher from St. Anthony is bidding on Carmel and wins the bid.... $275......she waits, and waits, but no one hollers out resale. Carmel will be kept and butchered.

I guess I don't have to explain the tears.........

or the torment of a mother watching them..................

The butcher would pick her up at six that night. All day long my multiple personalities fought with each other:

Mom Me:
You could just offer him two of the wethers... after all he's a business man, double the meat for her, he'd take it.

Business Me:
That is totally impractical you know. After all you are a business woman too. You know better than to be ruled by emotions. We are talking about a goat here!

Mom Me:
What good is being the boss if you can't use it for the comfort of your family? She is so upset. She already had to give up her dog this spring. You can't let her be so unhappy.

It was not pretty. A long day to say the least. I spent a lot of time in prayer. And a lot of time simply lost for a solution. My heart was breaking for my daughter.

In the end the Mom Me won... but not as you may expect.

My Lord and I had a long heart to heart and as He renewed my
vision for my children it all became clear.

Carmel went with the butcher.

How could I? I'm cruel! I know, but you see I was reminded ~ my job is not to make life smooth and soft for my children. My job is to lead their hearts to their Saviour. I will not always be here to do things for them. Oh, God, I pray that I will leave this earth before they do. So, who will she have after that? Who must she turn to for comfort?

Jesus..

He is the only one who will never fail her. I must help her to understand that His will is perfect. I must teach her to walk in the storm with her heart full of faith and mind full of peace. She cannot rely on me or any other flesh. She must turn to him and him alone. There are trials ahead for my sweet little girl. Trials more severe than the death of a goat. I cannot not stop them nor should I want to. Her growth is much more precious than that.


Bethany no longer wore the smiling face of a grand champion, she was so distracted watching for the buyer she couldn't even pose for pictures. But in the end, she understood. The consolations of God are not small with his children.

She walked away from the fair grounds alone but at peace.